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Your Nightly Lady News Roundup

23 Apr

Lady GOP Candidate “Not Sure” of What The Violence Against Women Act Is

Only The Lonely: Dateless Girl Banned From Prom

Never Trust Your Boss: Woman Donates Kidney To Boss, Then Is Fired

Lucky Bitch: Virginia woman Wins Lottery Twice In One Day

Suprise? Club promoters are not good folks: They loaded Demi Lovato up with drugs and alcohol

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TODAY’S RANT: Male Waiters

23 Apr

Today’s rant is against male waiters.

In the world of dining out, nothing is more annoying to me than when a male server hands both the check and the processed bill to the man at the table instead of the lady (I’m singling out male servers because this happens WAY less when a lady is handling the meal.)  Why not just put the check in the middle of the table and let the diners handle it like adults?  What?  You think because I have lady parts that I’m incapable of paying for my half (or ALL!) of the meal???

Even when I hand the waiter the credit card directly, the processed check still goes right to my boyfriend.  I always think to myself “are you not seeing that a lady’s name is on the card?”  What makes the waiter who sees a lady’s name on the credit card give it back to the gent?  Are they thinking “perhaps she can’t read and needs assistance?” or, worse, “this math will be hard…better let the man figure out the tip.”

Every time this happens, I get angry, and it makes me want to tip less.  The waiter does such a good job and then spoils the meal at the very end.  And the handing of the check to the male diner at the table is CONSIDERABLY more pronounced at the fancier establishments.  Because who lets chicks have money these days, right?  I bring my male protector everywhere to handle my finances.  Tipping is so hard, makes my small brain hurt so much!   Do you have any cookies? (you feelin’ that sarcasm? Except I really do always want cookies at the end of the meal.)

To male waiters everywhere: I invite you to join the 21st century with me and the rest of the gals who are making bank.  Your tips will be better if you do.

xoxo — Modern Lady — xoxo

Sometimes I Pee Standing Up

23 Apr

I always love it when a man says “glad I can pee standing up.”  Good for you!  You know how to stand there and just let gravity do its job as the urine flows out of your flaccid penis.  God you are so smart and strong, when can we sleep together?

Well dear big macho dude who pees while standing up.  I have a secret for you: I sometimes pee standing up, too.

Did I just let out a big secret?  If so, I apologize to my lady elders for discussing our secrets out in the open on the Internet.  But maybe it’s not the dude’s fault that he doesn’t know ladies have this magical skill.  Perhaps a woman has never discussed this with him?  I personally cannot remember having a conversation about this with any woman outside of my immediate family and bestest of friends, and certainly no dudes.

All ladies (most ladies?  I think it’s all ladies) have peed while standing up.  Some bathrooms are so completely gross that no amount of courage, toilet paper or disposable seat coverings can make my butt touch that seat.  You know the bathrooms I’m talking about.  The ones where there is “water” (read: pee) all over the floor.  Where the tampon box is stacked so high with discarded feminine products that you wonder if it will ever be emptied.  When the toilet seat looks so unstable that sitting on it might cause the seat to slip and send you careening into the gross aforementioned tampon repository.  For the times you are faced with a gross bathroom, it is best to touch as little as possible, and pop a successful bathroom stall squat.

How is this magical feat accomplished?  Let’s go through it step by mindblowing step.

I start by facing the door and taking down pants (the entire activity is significantly easier with a dress on, but for illustration purposes lets imagine that I’m wearing the most unforgivable of fabrics: denim.)

I slide my skinny jeans (more points for difficulty! This should impress the Russian judge) to right below my knees.  Did I mention I’m wearing three inch heels?  Well I am.  The toilet bowl feels like its 50 feet away, making accuracy even more difficult.  I press on and position myself in a squat over the toilet bowl.

Now here is where the real skill comes in.  You have to position what you anticipate to be the endpoint for the stream of your pee right in the center of the bowl.  Anything less than perfection will result in splash, the very phenomenon you are trying to avoid!

Once you are squarely squatting in your pre-pee position, you can now borrow a step from the dude playbook and let that sucker (i.e. your urine) flow on out.  BUT WAIT.  You must also control the speed.  Argh yes, the speed!  Too slow and your pee will not be strong enough to hit its center-of the bowl target, and could possibly hit the seat, resulting in splash.   Too strong and you will have no control over your flow, which will also result in splash.  The name of the game is NO SPLASH.

When you are done relieving yourself, you may think the easy part is over but it is not.  You then must hold the squat position while you obtain sufficient toilet paper for wiping.  If you don’t do this, you could get your dripping pee all over yourself, and that’s gross.  Once you wipe, you can flush (with your foot, of course!) and exit, all the better for having touched as little as possible in the infection den that is the ladies’ bathroom.

Now I think at this point it’s important to note that the ladies who take a “pee standing up all the time” approach to the bathroom are often the ones that ruin the nice bathrooms.  Your office bathroom is NOT the place to pee standing up.  Your friend’s apartment is NOT the place to pee standing up.  I hate seeing that “if you sprinkle while you tinkle” sign in what is supposed to be a nice bathroom.  You’re ruining it for the rest of us!  Don’t use your standing peeing skills when they are not needed!  It’s for peeing emergencies, ladies!

One more note: the entire process requires significant thigh strength.  You can’t pee standing up unless you can also deal with the burn of holding a steady squat (IN HEELS!  WITH SKINNY JEANS!) for about 60 seconds.  That’s why I’m doing squats in the gym for half an hour.  It’s not so I can look good, that’s just an added byproduct.  It’s so I don’t have to touch that gross toilet seat.

xoxo — Modern Lady — xoxo

And So The Modern Lady Daily Begins

23 Apr

Modern Ladies: They’re fierce!  They’re untamed!  They are not afraid to speak their mind.

Modern Lady Daily is an effort to capture the essence of the current modern lady.  It will start as a collection of short essays and expand from there.  Thanks for stopping by.